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awareness
June 2006 
Prepared to Fight
Posted on Apr 19th, 2006
by 
Maile
Maile
For the last several days, I've been asking myself why I'm doing whatever it is i'm doing. For me, this usually means asking myself why I'm worrying or analyzing. It's turned out that I most often don't know why my mind is spinning the way it is, and sitting with it in meditation has yielded few answers so far, but an interesting thing has happened. In continually asking 'Why am I doing X?', a pattern of Xs has appeared.
Namely, it seems I'm very often preparing to fight, or I'm preparing to defend myself in a fight. I replay past conversations in my head over and over (something I already knew I did), tweaking them so that the other person voices their criticism of me and I can counter with some defense (something I didn't know I did).
I also play out future conversations, such as those surrounding upcoming appointments and events, in much the same way. And I do this over and over and over. It's quite fascinating, really, to watch this going on without judging it. I'm not sure what I'll do with this knowledge, probably nothing purposeful. I think I'll just keep watching and see how things change on their own.
Namely, it seems I'm very often preparing to fight, or I'm preparing to defend myself in a fight. I replay past conversations in my head over and over (something I already knew I did), tweaking them so that the other person voices their criticism of me and I can counter with some defense (something I didn't know I did).
I also play out future conversations, such as those surrounding upcoming appointments and events, in much the same way. And I do this over and over and over. It's quite fascinating, really, to watch this going on without judging it. I'm not sure what I'll do with this knowledge, probably nothing purposeful. I think I'll just keep watching and see how things change on their own.
Access: Public
Haha, pretty interesting to get to know your self, huh?
This is Totally something that I do all the time, too! It comes and goes, it used to be really bad before I realized I was doing it.
It's actually what all those “power of now” type'a things talk about when they say how trapped we can be in the past, or the future, and forget to pay attention to what's happening at this moment. Now, if I catch myself, I just sorta take a second to analyze, figure out if it's something I can learn from, and then Try and move on…can be tricky sometimes.
I think it even has something to do with my dreams, too. If I catch myself in a dream while drifting to sleep, it's usually something like a scenario I thought of, and am playing out in my head. Shrug.
I think it's awesome that you're paying attention to stuff and asking questions. Great reminder; I could use some more'a that, myself!
yep. watching those pseudo-dialogues can indeed be fun. blogging about them is more fun. so maybe you can blog some of these dialogues just for fun. of course you are free to keep those censored ones.
allow me to leave you a quote from the enlightenment bad dude U.G. Krishnamurti:
“When the movement in the direction of becoming something other than what you are isn't there any more, you are not in conflict with yourself.”
I’m sure glad I’m not the only one that has that kind of mind-chatter! It annoys me, though, when it happens because it does distract me from the actual, real moment that is going on right now. A moment of peaceful being is replaced with a moment of practice verbal combat and imagined hostile situations. And then sometimes, in those rare times when some of the prep might actually come in handy, I find my rehersed/practiced responses either (a) leave me when I need them most, or (b) don’t exactly fit the situation, but I end up saying them anyway…
So I’m training myself to be able to move, respond, sense, and manage the present moment better. That way, no matter who says what when in whatever conversation, I’ll be able to respond in the moment with presence and connection. It’s harder than it sounds and it feels kinda vulnerable and unprepared sometimes, but man, the moments are worth it. That noticing and watching, that’s good practice for all kinds of nifty stuff.